What is polyamory?

Before examining all the ways polyamory can be practiced, it’s important that we first distinguish polyamory from all the relationship dynamics that it is not.

Polygamy

Polyamory is often conflated with polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of having multiple spouses (and etymologically the practice of having children with multiple partners). In contrast, polyamory does not require marriage and does not require reproduction. 

Polygamy is illegal in most countries and comes in two distinct forms: Polygyny, the practice of having multiple wives, and polyandry, the practice of having multiple husbands. 

The vast majority of mammals practicing polyamory practice polygyny (more on this to come).   

Monogamy

First, polyamory is, of course, not monogamy. As we’ll explore later on, the definition of monogamy, particularly in non-human animals, is much more complicated than most of us might imagine. But in simple terms, monogamy is the practice of engaging in romantic and sexual activity exclusively with one other person. 

Cheating

Polyamory is also not cheating. In gameplay, cheating is defined as breaking the rules. In polyamory, you can have sex and romance with people outside your primary partnership without breaking any rules. This is because you get to define your own rules; it’s a “designer relationship.” The people involved get to design whichever rules work best for them. 

Of course, cheating can still exist in a polyamorous relationship if an established rule is broken.

Now that we’ve explored what polyamory is not, let’s take a look at the ways polyamory is practiced. 

Primary Partnerships

Many, but certainly not all, polyamory relationships are formed around one or more primary partnerships. Like a conventional monogamous relationship, a primary partnership is formed by two people (considered each other’s primary partner). Primary partners will likely be seen together in public, might join one another for family gatherings, and may even get married. Unlike a conventional monogamous relationship, though, in a polyamorous primary partnership, one or both partners are invited to engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with others outside the primary partnership (often called secondary partners). 

It’s important to note that in these primary partnership configurations, a sort of hierarchy is often established. The needs, desires, and boundaries of each primary partner are usually considered to take precedence over the needs, desires, and boundaries of any secondary partner. 

Solo Poly

But practicing polyamory does not necessarily require the existence of a primary partnership. It is possible to be a single polyamorist. This practice is referred to as solo poly. Solo Poly is distinct from merely “sleeping around” as each sexual and/or romantic relationship is practiced with all partners’ full knowledge and consent.

Swinging

In previous decades, before the term polyamory existed, many couples practiced swinging, also known as partner swapping. Swinging is the practice of two or more couples sharing a sexual experience and trading partners. Swinging can be considered to be under the umbrella of polyamory. 

Swinging usually does not make room for long-term romantic relationships, but only short-term physical relationships. And the experiences are usually limited to those where all partners participate, rather than either partner engaging in a solo experience. 

Open Relationships

One common form of Polyamory is open relationships. In an open relationship, two primary partners agree that one or both partners are allowed to have sex with people outside the primary relationship. 

Although the two terms are related, polyamory and open relationships are not synonymous. What sets polyamory apart from open relationships is that polyamory makes room not only for sex outside the primary partnership but also for love (as is expressed by its root word amor).

Polyfidelity

One misconception about polyamory is that it does not involve long-term commitment or fidelity. There are, in fact, many committed, exclusive, long-term polyamorous relationships. Of course, these exclusive relationships are not just between two partners, but between 3 (called a polyfidelity triad) or 4 (called a polyfidelity quad).

Polycule

Most polyamorists, though, do not find themselves in tidy, exclusive bonds, but instead, find themselves in a complex web of interconnections, people engaged in various sorts of overlapping relationship dynamics: primary partners, solo polyamorists, co-parents, asexual romantic partnerships, and more.