1. Etymology
First, polyamory is just wrong. It’s either multi-amory or poly-philia, but mixing greek and Latin roots is just wrong. Still not convinced? Ok.
2. FEELINGs ARE UNCONTROLLABLE
Many people claim that polyamory is a great idea in theory, but just not practical. It paints an idyllic picture of human psychology wherein any challenge can be overcome by communication, vulnerability, and rationality. But human beings aren’t rational. We are deeply complex, messy, and flawed. Polyamory doesn’t take into account the reality of ...Feelings of jealousy, Feelings of possession, feelings of insecurity, fear, abandonment that naturally arise.
3. NO COMMITMENT THROUGH TOUGH TIMES
Of course, the flip side of experiencing so much love, is an inordinate amount of heartache and heartbreak. Having a greater number of partners increases the overall amount of emotional support a person needs to provide. Sometimes people just go through bouts of depression. Sometimes lasting months or years. Without a firm commitment, and the opportunity to explore other people, do you believe your partner will stick through this time with you? Would you?
4. LIMITED TIME
Some may say that love is unlimited, but time isn’t. Many people can’t find time to adequately support one partner, let alone 3 or 4. And this scarcity of time causes difficult choices to sometimes be made.
5. RELATIONSHIP Hierarchies
One could envision a polyamorous utopia wherein all partners are treated with equal time and affection. Where all your lovers will be invited to your sister’s wedding. But this is rarely the case. A hierarchy, a pecking order is almost always established. And for a primary partner to be downgraded from their exclusive seat of supreme importance in the mind and heart of their lover can be devastating.
6. Finding POLY partners
And even if all of this feels worth it to you, finding partners can be extremely challenging. Potential romantic partners often get scared off by the word ‘polyamory’ assuming it will invariably lead to heartbreak.
7. PARTNER INCOMPATIBILITY
And once you do find partners, the expectation that your partners will get along swimmingly is misguided. Sometimes that unicorn polycule is achieved where all partners involved love one another, but this is extremely rare.
8. EXHAUSTIVE COMMUNICATION
Now, it’s presumed that all of this potential for jealousy, and heartache, and fear can be remedied through conversation. But this often leads to exhaustive, tiring communication tearing apart the nuances of each action and feeling. This leaves many polyamorists longing for the days of having one simple, unshakable rule. Don’t sleep with other people.
9. COMING OUT
And if even you do find the right partners and find the communication skills to navigate them smoothly and everyone involved gets along, coming out to your friends and family about your chosen relationship dynamic can lead to judgment, criticism, name-calling, and abandonment, comparable to coming out as gay. How would your family respond if you brought home 2 lovers for New Year’s dinner?
10. PARENTAL FIGURE ABANDONMENT
And once the relationship gets more serious, the children must be considered. It can be extremely beneficial to be raised by several parental figures. But if one parental figure were to leave, and there wasn’t the institution of marriage stopping them, it can be extremely devastating for the child.
11. Polyamory may INCREASE COMPETITION AND destabilize society
Now, to the argument that polyamory is somehow more natural than monogamy, some pro-monogamists say, “yeah, polyamory is more natural, but there are many things that exist in the natural world that we do not value as human beings.” Murder is natural. Physical violence is natural. Rape is natural. But as human beings, we've collectively decided that some parts of our nature are extremely beneficial to transcend. Maybe polyamory is natural. But maybe we must transcend this piece of our nature.
Now, why might it be beneficial? Maybe people have the presumption that there would be more love for everyone in a world absent of monogamy. But if we look at the animal kingdom, this isn’t actually the case.
More than 90% of mammals practice not only polyamory, but polygyny, that is - one male with multiple females. And as a result, we see what’s known as the Pareto Distribution or the 80-20 rule. That is, in the animal kingdom about 80% of females are partnered with only about 20% of males. And this is a problem.
It’s been argued thoroughly that the primary reason human beings have so successfully dominated the planet is our unique ability to cooperate in such large numbers. But if only 20% of males have female sexual partners, there would likely be an unprecedented amount of fighting and competition within the species. Our ability to collaborate would crumble. So, a remedy for this fighting would be to ensure that every one male has one female. Marriage. Monogamy.
12. THERE MAY BE VALUE IN Affirmative Sacrifice
Now, the last major argument made against polyamory here is around the concept of sacrifice. Ancient cultures and religious stories uphold the value of sacrifice. Like the story of Abraham and Isaac. According to the story, though he and his wife Sarah prayed incessantly for a child, it wasn’t until Abraham’s 100th year that Sarah conceived. Then, after his birth, Abraham was instructed by God to sacrifice his son. After tying his son to an altar, Abraham pulled out his knife ready to slit his son’s throat, and at the last second, an angel came to stop him.
Even if you believe these stories aren’t true, perhaps it’s still worth considering the ancient wisdom they might hold. Why was this story considered to be of such importance that our ancestors passed it along for thousands of years, first by words of mouth, then through text, then enshrining it in the institution of religion?
But what exactly is the moral here? That we should have blind faith in God and if we’re schizophrenic and hear voices that tell us to kill someone we should listen? Maybe. Or maybe this is a story about sacrifice. We don’t really have many practices of sacrifice today. We don’t sacrifice our goats or our crops to God. And when we do make sacrifices, they’re usually for some practical means - giving up alcohol or desserts.
But is there an affirmative value of sacrifice?
This story was also the centerpiece of Soren Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling. But it’s not just anything we should be giving up. Isaac was the thing Abraham wanted and loved most in the world. And this is what God ordered him to sacrifice to affirm his devotion.
Maybe it’s because we crave love and romance and new relationship energy and sex so much, that this is exactly what we should sacrifice to be all-in, to affirm our devotion to our partner. Maybe you disagree.